


A Look Into His Existence

by thalia_muse_of_comedy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Character Study, Childhood, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 14:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4309500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thalia_muse_of_comedy/pseuds/thalia_muse_of_comedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima Kei has mechanisms in place to keep himself safe. Everything always boils down to one question: The buzzing or the effort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Look Into His Existence

**Author's Note:**

> This story is for the amazing cutieyama on tumblr for her birthday! I'm not very confident in my portrayal of Tsukishima and obviously any scene that is a canon scene I used the actual canon dialogue (tl;dr those parts are not mine and these characters are not mine at all!!). I'd like to think this is a different take on Tsukishima's character. I'm not good with criticism of any kind so none of that please! Thank you for reading all this unnecessary verbal vomit. Enjoy!

                     His mind is always moving. It spits out probabilities, predictions; everything he sees is converted into numbers and applied to a simple formula to solve a simple question: “Is it worth the effort?” He fits conversations and tasks into this code. More often than not the answer is no.

                     No, because he can still feel the dread under his skin. He remembers the days before he claimed his cool exterior. He remembers smiling, laughing, and never shutting up about his latest obsession. He was so young back then. He was too young when he stopped. There is a buzzing beneath his skin when he begins to wonder if people are laughing at him.

                     Once it’s within him, it never stops. He remembers when he went to the doctor to get glasses. He did not want them. They’d make him different. He had arrived at school that Monday with all of his classmates staring at him. They had stared and ducked their heads to whisper to each other.

A shorter boy in his class had come up to him saying, “Those glasses make you look like an old man.”

Tsukishima Kei had been mortified, his brain clicking along faster than his peers.

“Well, you’re hair makes you look like an ugly girl, but you don’t hear me saying that in front of everyone. Pathetic.”

He remembers his first use of the word. He remembers when he used it years later. He had been taller, quieter, but his eyes picked people apart. He could silence others with one line; he had made many people cry. His mind had had to decide: the buzzing or the effort.

With his awkward limbs and confident gait, he had come across the sorry scene.

“-face is all pimply! Why’re so scrawny you’re gonna be useless if you don’t get some muscle” The park he had been crossing was inhabited by kids his age, probably from another class.

“So, you’re on backpack duty!”

They had crowded around the said scrawny boy, throwing their backpacks into his arms. Tsukishima had looked down on the scene from the vantage point of his height and the road. He could see the tears forming in his eyes. Tsukishima felt the buzzing begin under veins, and his mind began to move. He decided surely this person could handle it on their own. Still, he had watched and waited.

“Look, he’s crying!” _Defend yourself. Take control. Call them out on it._

“He’s such a crybaby!” _Why are you even with them? Defend yourself._

                     The apparently defenseless kid noticed Tsukishima then. He looked up at him expectantly. He felt his heart hammering, but his face had held the cool expression he had taught himself.

One of the bullies had noticed the attention shift. He turned around and called out, “What’re you looking at?”

_Full height? No, slouch back, this doesn’t bother me. What should I say? What should I say? Stop looking at me, it’s-_

“Pathetic.” He had felt his lips curve around the word he had kept in his pocket for moment such as these. _I need to leave; this idiot can handle himself._

He had turned to leave, but one of the bullies ran after him,

“Hey, hold it!”

Once he had grabbed onto Tsukishima’s backpack, the taller boy turned around to loom over him, his expression dark and heavy.

“What.” It had not been a question. It was a statement to end the interaction. He had seen the bully begin to tremble.

                     Said bully had decided to turn tail and run. Screaming back at him, “You’re glasses are lame, dummy!” Tsukishima had laughed. A comment like that he had defeated long ago.

Once their leader had left, the other bullies took their bags and left the small crying boy alone and shaking. He had still been looking up at him on the road. Their eyes had met, and the buzzing stopped. It had stopped because he found the effort worth it, for once.

The freckled boy had wiped his face and climbed up to the road to meet Tsukishima. He had smiled brightly and tried to thank Tsukishima.

“For what? I was just watching for fun. Those idiots dragged me into it. The whole scene was pathetic,” Tsukishima had seen the hero worship already begin to creep into the other’s eyes. “Including you.” He added at the end. He had decided he didn’t need someone so helpless and eye-catching ruining his life.

                     Tsukishima remembers when he started playing volleyball at school. He remembers how nervous he had been. He had wanted to make Akiteru proud. He had been standing straight with his hands in front of him, unsure of what exactly to do with him while he waited. He had kept his breathing in check. Meanwhile, his mind was spiraling every each direction. Every movement, every word, every side eyed look was being processed. He had an image to keep.

_Stay cool. Keep calm. Keep away the buzzing._

                     He remembers walking into the gym, giving a greeting. He remembers the yelp beside him. He had looked down at the scared boy.

With a forced smile, the shorter boy bow deeply and said, “Thank you for the other day!” He had practically yelled it.

                     The sounds in the gym had stopped. All eyes had turned to Tsukishima. He had been shocked and angry to be put on the spot. Too many eyes were watching. Whatever he said next would determine what the whole team would think of him.

“Have we met before?” He chose after a moment’s pause. _Not flat out cruel, but just enough to remain a mystery._ The buzzing in his skin had quieted.

                     The other boy recovered quickly, “Oh!” He pointed at Tsukishima’s shoes. “You’ve got some really cool sneakers, huh? I mean, mine our just school gym shoes.”

The kid had been loud, and Tsukishima was embarrassed all over again. He had tried to downplay the strange praise.

“These are just hand me downs though.” He put his hands into his pockets while waiting for the upperclassmen to huddle them together for the start of practice.

He added, “I’m using my brother’s until we go buy new ones next week.”

“You’re brother plays volleyball, too?”

Tsukishima had not been able to stop himself from replying, “He plays this champion school called Karasuno. He’s kinda like an ace, I guess?” He had felt his chest swell with pride, unable to hide his admiration for Akiteru.

“The ace of a champion school? That’s so cool!” Tsukishima remembers the stars that might have been in both of their eyes.

                     Tsukishima remembers becoming friends with Yamaguchi Tadashi. He remembers how the other boy had fit himself so seamlessly into his life. He had shown up to Tsukishima’s class without being invited and insisted they have lunch together. As the days had gone by, Tsukishima had noticed how Yamaguchi’s eyes were always red or how he’d have new bruises on his arms he knew were not from volleyball.

                     Tsukishima started to go Yamaguchi’s class instead. He remembers feeling the buzzing under his skin. They had all stared at him when he entered, calling out to Yamaguchi. He had seen his friend wide-eyed and nervous.

“Coming! Let’s go have lunch outside, t-tsu-tsukki” he barely stammered out.

The classroom had erupted into laughter. Choruses of “he stuttered!” and “he can’t even say someone’s name right!” filled the room. Yamaguchi stopped moving and looked down in embarrassment. Ignoring the buzzing, Tsukishima had taken another step into the room and looked down his nose at everyone in the room.

                     “C’mon Yamaguchi, I thought you said we were going outside to eat? Hurry up!”

When Yamaguchi had smiled up at him, the nervousness ceased. The effort had been worth it then once again.

Outside in the warm air, Tsukishima had whispered, “You can call me Tsukki if it’s easier for you to say.”

With stars in his eyes and on his face, “Tsukki!”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi. Don’t just call my name for no reason.”

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

 

                     He remembers when the buzzing became more than just hum. It had grown to shake his whole body. He could not understand. His brother had not been on the court or the bench. He and Yamaguchi had watched the Small Giant hold his own against much taller opponents. They had not cared. Tsukishima had watched Yamaguchi’s face darken as they double, triple checked. His brain, ever calculating and recalculating, fit the pieces into place. The cheers had been overwhelming before, but with his whole body vibrating in his sensory overload he could hear it: his brother’s voice cheering from the stands. All of time had stopped and his brain fell deep down pathways he never wanted to visit.

                     His eyes had met his brother’s. He had tried to climb back to reality. He had tried to tell himself it was just a dream. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Yamaguchi look back and forth between the two, piecing together the truth. His throat had been so tight, but he could not let Yamaguchi know his world was being torn apart from its foundations.

“Pathetic.” Who he had been saying it to, his brother or himself, he could not tell.

                     “Tsukki, let’s go.” He had heard Yamaguchi whisper tugging at his sleeve. “You’ve just been standing there and it’s making me scared.” Tsukishima had clamped his mouth shut into a tight line. He forced himself not to shake anymore. He had felt as if he was moving a mountain with every step. Nothing had felt real; he could barely feel the tips of his fingers as Yamaguchi had let them out of the crowded gymnasium.

                     When they were outside, Tsukishima had finally taken a deep breath. It had not felt like enough in his lungs. He could not get enough of the night air to stay within him.

“Tsukki, what’s wrong? Why can’t you breathe? Are you going to have to go to the hospital?” Yamaguchi had gone into hysterics next to him, scared that his friend was dying.

Tsukishima shook his head, but grab at his chest, he had felt the world spin.

_He lied to me. I believed in him._

_I told everybody he was the ace._

_Everyone will think I’m a liar._

_Lied to me. Lied. Lied._

_And I believed him._

“Tsukishima, come back”

                     The use of his full name had stopped him. He had watched as Yamaguchi grabbed hold of his free hand.

“Tsukki, your fingers are so cold.” With red cheeks and teary eyes, Yamaguchi had tried to rub some warmth back into hand.

Breath still ragged, Tsukishima had asked, “Why are you crying this time, Yamaguchi?”

The tears had spilled over, distorting his freckles, “Because I know you won’t.”

Then, he had pulled Tsukishima’s arm once more.

“I’ll walk you home.”

“I-“ _Don’t let yourself sound more pathetic._

Tsukishima had coughed.

“I was wondering if I could stay over at your house tonight. I forgot to ask earlier.”

Yamaguchi had wiped the tears away and smiled.

“Of course, Tsukki!”

                     Tsukishima remembers all of these things. He remembers them in quick succession as he sits in Yamaguchi’s room the spring before they are set to start high school together. They are all set to go to Karasuno. No longer the powerhouse it once was, they had selected the school because they both wanted to be far away from their former classmates.

                     Tsukishima leans up against the bed, on the floor with his latest astronomy book. Yamaguchi plays a handheld video game from the bed. Tsukishima turns the page and hears his best friend pause his game and roll towards him.

“Tsukki…”

“What is it?” He responds, already slightly annoyed. He knows that tone means personal questions.

“I was thinking about how high school is bigger than middle school and there’s gonna be so many people we don’t know… and I was just wondering… if, ah”

He fumbled over his words, refusing to get to the point.

“It will be so much easier on the both of us if you just spit it out already.”

“I was wondering if you’re gonna be okay because you freak out sometimes!”

Tsukishima felt the buzzing reach out from his arms into the rest of his body. He slams the book shut, but does not face Yamaguchi.

“When do I ever ‘freak out’ as you say? You’re making things up.”

He hears Yamaguchi shift even more on the bed. After a couple moments, Yamaguchi slips off the bed. He sits down across from Tsukishima, and begins again.

“Tsukki, I’ve seen you. When we’re in crowds, when people look at you, I can see you. You go somewhere. You shift. Don’t think I don’t remember when you couldn’t breath during that Karasuno match.”

Tsukishima is statue still, trying to remember how to act.

“Tsukki, just tell me what’s wrong.”

                     This was a new experience for Tsukishima. In the few years they had known each other, Yamaguchi had never been the direct cause of the buzzing beneath his skin. He had to choose: the buzzing or the effort of telling Yamaguchi about something he was not completely sure he himself understood. Would it be worth risking being seen as weak by the only friend he had?

_It’s pathetic. He’ll laugh at me._

_It’s so stupid. I’m supposed to be cool._

 

“Tsukki, I want to help if I can.” Yamaguchi slowly reaches towards Tsukishima to grab the end of his sleeve.

                     Tsukishima sighs, bringing a hand up to press his finger tips against his eyes under his glasses. With his best and only friend tethering him to the room, Tsukishima explains. He tells Yamaguchi about the buzzing, about the decisions he makes based upon all the information that bombards his senses. He talks about the crowds and their glances, how unsure he is during it all. He cannot tune it out, there’s nothing else for him to focus on.

“It’s not so bad sometimes. I can manage.” He says to try to regain his usual aloofness. He does not say that the nervousness and second-guessing stops when he’s making Yamaguchi smile.

He sees Yamaguchi frown. “But what about every other time? Doesn’t it hurt?”

                     Tsukishima wants to say yes. It’s always painful, more so since… no, he does not want to think about it. Akiteru’s betrayal is a door he needs to keep tightly shut. Instead, he just shrugs. This is not a conversation he wants to be having.

Yamaguchi watches him, thinking. Tsukishima had never opened up to him this much ever. Tsukishima feels him begin to absentmindedly rub his thumb over the fabric of the sleeve Yamaguchi clings to.

                     Suddenly, Yamaguchi jumps up. He runs over to his school bag, the new one Tsukishima had just bought him to match his own. He turns around lightning fast, and Tsukishima sees him hold something behind his back.

“I, uh, ah-“ Yamaguchi still stutters, despite the small smile causing the constellations on his face to shift.

“I think these might help… a little bit”

Yamaguchi brandishes a pair of large headphones with a big “Taa daaah” motion.

Tsukishima shakes his head and looks up at Yamaguchi. “I don’t get it. How are your old headphones going to make my ‘problem’ better?”

                     Yamaguchi stops smiling, and kneels back to Tsukishima’s level on the floor. He bends forward to place the headphones on Tsukishima’s head right over his ears.

He explains, “You can play music really loudly on these to drown all the other noises out. Or you could just put them over your ears to muffle it.  And if you do, no one will want to talk to you! And people will be like “Ooooh he’s so cool and mysterious I wonder what kind of music he listens to!’ but they won’t ever approach you! And! And!” Yamaguchi wants to come up with more reasons. His face tells Tsukishima he’s embarrassed and second-guessing his idea.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi, I get it already.” Tsukishima tries to settle Yamaguchi down. It won’t do if Yamaguchi gets nervous too.

                     However, with the snug fit of the headphones over his ears, Tsukishima does feel surprisingly calm. He decides to smile just a little.

“You smiled! Does that mean you like the idea? Is it ok? It’s probably stupid. It was a stupid idea, wasn’t it?” Yamaguchi asks while moving his hand through his dark hair. His motion causes a patch of hair to stand straight up.

                     “The idea is fine, but how am I supposed to hear anything? What if I miss something important? I’ll look stupid.” Tsukishima slides the headphones to rest against his neck.

He watches Yamaguchi as his face scrunches up. Then, the constellations shift back into position as he smiles reassuringly at Tsukishima.

                     “I’ll always be with you. I won’t let you miss a thing.”

“That sounded so lame.” Tsukishima groans, but he is thankful for Yamaguchi.

“Sorry, Tsukki.”


End file.
